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Post by cree on Oct 2, 2006 19:39:04 GMT -5
I've had an idea for a book since last spring.I really like wolves so thats what its about.But its all ficton,so some weird stuff happens.(If you've read any of the Worriors books it will remind you of them.)
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Post by cree on Oct 2, 2006 19:41:55 GMT -5
So...when I start writing it,be brutal!Tell me if its any good,what I should change or add,ect.
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Post by cree on Oct 2, 2006 19:43:34 GMT -5
I think the title will be the Wolven Chronicles.
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Post by Campion on Oct 2, 2006 19:48:34 GMT -5
Hey, I'll be awaiting it. I've always had a liking of wolves and the sort, so I'll certainly check it out. ;D
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Post by cree on Oct 2, 2006 19:49:37 GMT -5
thanx
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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 3, 2006 7:00:47 GMT -5
can't wait!
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Post by hightyto on Oct 3, 2006 9:30:24 GMT -5
ill read it, too. and i love warriors! so im sure il like your writing.
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Post by cree on Oct 3, 2006 18:43:21 GMT -5
Now to start the book!
Chapter 1
~Venom of the Shadows~
The early fall night was draped in mist.The full,golden moon hung in the ragged clouds.A bone chilling wind ripped the dead leaves from trees.A long figure stood in the night.Frost hung in the air around her muzzle.Her ears pointed up with alertness.The once peaceful forest was now filled with danger.
There were once four wolf packs:Aurora Storm,Ocean Glacier,Ever-snow,and Moon Bane.Moon Bane had always been looked down on.But over the years the pack became almost demonic.Now the demon pack haunted the lands.
A twig snapped.The she-wolf was brought out of her trance.Her name was Anaka.Her fur was white but her legs,tail tip,ears,and muzzle were black.Her eyes burnt like blue fire in the night.In some nearby scrub she saw two acid green eyes staring at her.She backed away;thinking of the demonic pack.A rasing voice reached her ears."Its one of them!"she whispered.Suddenly the forest was alive with snarls and yelps.
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Post by cree on Oct 3, 2006 18:44:02 GMT -5
Well...thats it....
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Post by Campion on Oct 3, 2006 19:22:30 GMT -5
Okay, I have a good amount of criticism for this piece...
First of all, you should try connecting more sentences together because in the first paragraph and even in the second and third, the phrases just seem so repetitive. Differing sentence length helps fluency, I've learned.
Example #1
Original: The early fall night was draped in mist. The full, golden moon hung in the ragged clouds. A bone chilling wind ripped the dead leaves from trees.
Variable: The early fall night was draped in mist and the full, golden moon hung in the ragged clouds as yet another bone chilling wind ripped the dead leaves from trees.
Notice how I added the 'and' and the 'as'? The night being draped in mist and the moon's rising are both long term conditions, thus 'and' should be the proper conjuction used. If the 'bone-chilling wind' fragment would've belonged to a different sentence, the 'as' conjuction could have been used between the first two fragments, but it isn't, so eh...
I could say a lot more regarding little details, unsufficient information, and descriptions, but I wouldn't want to give too much criticism. Even if it was all constructive, it could still demoralize someone (I've learned the hard way).
Well, I'll await your next chapter and see if I can give anymore suggestions.
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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 4, 2006 6:06:04 GMT -5
yeah what campion said is true, but so far so good
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Post by hightyto on Oct 4, 2006 9:39:14 GMT -5
what i say about the first chapter was that it was great, it was very easy to get a picture in my head of what was happening, good writing.
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Post by cree on Oct 4, 2006 18:51:27 GMT -5
Thanks for the help and compliments!
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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 4, 2006 18:53:40 GMT -5
Just thought I'd change the title so everyone can know that you're work is up! Can't wait for the next installment!
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Post by cree on Oct 4, 2006 19:12:37 GMT -5
Chapter 2
~Friends in the Mist~
Anaka doged to the left just as the large elderly demon-wolf sprang toward her.She looked around,seeing more come from the scrub.A very fat female was now lumbering up behind her.Anaka sumed up all her courage and bit at the femal's pudgy face.Her nose ripped wide open,slattering Anaka's face with blood.All at once they jumped on her.Anaka yelped with pain as a small male bit at her tail.Not being able to breath,she started to wiggle.But not one of the demons moved.
As Anaka began to feel dizzy,an ear splitting howl echoed through the shadowed night.The demon pack retreited back to their shadows as if a fire had been lit on their tails.Anaka still lay on the ground.All around her she could here paw steps and voices.She looked up and saw an elderly female looking at her.Her pelt was grey with brown scattered through it.
"Oh,my deary,are you ok?"
Anaka stood,her breathing now normal."Yes ma'am."She looked around.
"Oh,you need to sit.Rest!"
The old female pushed her down on the moss.
"Loamin!"the female called.
"Yes mother!"A broad male now walked into the clearing.He looked like a mud puttle filled with dead leves.
"Go fetch this dear some water."
Loamin's forest green eyes met Anaka's deep blue.Anaka,always being shy,looked down.
A few seconds later Loamin was back.
"Whats your name?"he asked.
"Anaka."
"Thats nice...Guess you already know mine,huh?"
"Yea.Yours is nice too."
"So ,you in a pack."
"No,I'm just a loner from the north."
"I'm in Aurora Storm.We really need members."
"Are you asking me to join?"
"Sure..."
"Ok then.Yes."
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