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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 4, 2006 19:15:14 GMT -5
definally like warriors (great series) Nice little fight scene with blood
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Post by cree on Oct 4, 2006 19:16:36 GMT -5
Thanks.I think I'm getting better.Chapter 2 was longer.
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Post by cree on Oct 4, 2006 19:17:15 GMT -5
(Yes!!!Atlast,I'm an owlet!!!!!I'm so fluffy!)
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Post by Campion on Oct 4, 2006 20:31:58 GMT -5
Heh heh, how cute...- Oh, uh, well... I suppose I can say a few more things here. I can see that you're improving with your sentence fluency, which is a good thing. There's always room for improvement, too, though. Your detailing is quite advanced, but you don't exactly draw it out enough. In most cases, one descriptive sentence won't be enough to create an effective image in the reader's mind. But before you even try to describe the image, you must first see and know it in your own mind. Like when you were describing the male fox who belonged to 'Aurora Storm', all you gave was his coat color. We have no clue how large he is, if he has any wounds of any type, if he's a handsome wolf, for one... Well then anyways, the last thing I'll say is that when I was reading the dialogue, I couldn't help but notice the... 'simplicity' of the two personalities. Part of a fantasy author's goal should be to create believable and lovable characters (How they react to certain events ). I like how you added that the young female has always been shy, so she looked away. But in the dialogue, the reactions seem so plain and rather expected. If you can work on giving your characters a bit more of a personality, that'd be great. There's plenty more good information about what I just said on the web, if you're interested in looking.
Other than that, you're makin' progress, cree! I'll be here waiting for chapter 3.
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Post by cree on Oct 5, 2006 19:23:05 GMT -5
Chapter 3 ~Pack Life~ As Anaka,Loamin,and Loamin's mom Kalla,walked through the forest,Anaka was told how a pack worked.For examlpe:how they worked together to hunt and watched eachothers pups.Anaka had been alone for as long as she could remember.To be honest,her first memory was being chased by an angry mother badger. Loamin lead the way to the pack's camp.His broud sholders rippled in the early morning sun.His mother,Kalla,was trailing behind them.It looked as if she was talking to a butterfly perched on her forehead. "Hey,were almost there."Loamin said giving Anaka a gentle nudge. "What if they don't like me?"Anaka whispered. "They will."he said and pushed back some bushes,revealing a large clearing.In it,with eight wolves sat, talking ,sleeping,and playing.Also there was a cave and a small pond. "Hey were back!"Loamin barked,"We brought a friend too!" At that moment,Kalla pushed Anaka into the clearing.She landed with a yelp right in the middle of the camp. 'Kalla sure loves to push me'Anaka thought as she stood up. Loamin then bounded up."This is my buddy,Anaka!She s now a member of the Auroa Storm wolf pack!" All the wolves let out joyful howls. "Your too brave."Anaka whispered to Loamin. "I'm getting you out of your shyness." A large dark grey male walked up to her. "Welcome young Anaka!"he said in his thunderous voice."I'm Denmore,the alpha."he said and bowed.Suddenly,a cry rang out."She's the one in the prophcy!"
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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 5, 2006 19:48:34 GMT -5
hmmm...a prophecy?
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Post by cree on Oct 7, 2006 20:14:49 GMT -5
Chapter 4 ~Lands of Dispare~ Far from the lands of the Aurora Storm pack lay the Lands of Dispare.It had been once lush.With rolling mountains,green forest,and blue skies.Now the demonic Moon-Bane pack ruled it.The land was now barren and flat.The once clear blue sky was now the color of blood.The only interuption in the flat landscape was a single volcanoe.The round,crimson moon hung low;almost like it was scarred to show its self to the wolf-demons. Cursing rang out in the bloody dusk. "I know you tried to kill her!" It was Yarolrain,the demon's leader.He was an enormous and short tempered.He was more demon than wolf.His pelt,ragged and blacker than any night.His eyes were red like the blood he drank.His fangs stuck out of his mouth and dripped with acid green venom.He raised a huge paw and swatted Bly,his best hunter,and broke his jaw. "Please,my lord",it was Quellwyn,the over weight female."We tried to kill the she-wolf..." "If those stupid Aurora Storm wolves hadn't come..."Driwik,the old male,weezed. Yarolrain was furious."NO!IF BLY WASN'T A COWARD,IF QUELLWYN WOULD DO MORE THAN EAT,IF YOU WEREN'T SO WISE-ACTING!!!" Yarolrain lunged at his hunters,biting and clawing.With in seconds, the three of them lay dead.Thier bodies lay on the highest ledge of the volcaneo. "Well,now I don't have to look after those three."Mancov laughed. Ravens and vultures began to gather.Mancov howled,letting them know they were his.He then crouched and began to drink the rich crimson which flowed from the bodies of Bly,Quellwyn,and Driwik. As he drank,he thought of the prophecy.It said that in a time of evil and sufering,a young she-wolf would be sent by the wolf god,Hoften.She was an unlikly hero for she was faint of heart.Yarolrain's best mage had seen this in the green sand at the mouth of the volcaneo.For days the mage watched the she-wolf form the prophecy with Yarolrain at her side.The mage told Yarolrain when to send his hunters and worriors to kill the young she-wolf.But help came for the she-wolf just in time.This was what bothered Yarolrain the most.
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Post by cree on Oct 7, 2006 20:21:31 GMT -5
Ok,I know my chapters are short, but I intend to have anywere from 20 to 30 chapters
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Post by lockesdestiny on Oct 7, 2006 20:52:10 GMT -5
nice intro to the bad guys! and good idea with the 20-30 chapters
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Post by hightyto on Oct 8, 2006 10:09:21 GMT -5
good job, Cree! good idea with 20-30 chapters. i like the bad guys already! so much like Warriors! lol but i love Warriors so i love yor story.
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Post by cree on Oct 8, 2006 11:09:47 GMT -5
Thanks again for the compliments. ;D
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Post by hightyto on Oct 8, 2006 11:57:29 GMT -5
oh yea by the way, congrats on Owlet!
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Post by cree on Oct 9, 2006 20:40:21 GMT -5
Ok,I need more help.The name of the bad guy is Mancov but...the name has started to bug me.I'm open to any suggestions of a new name for him.
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Post by hightyto on Oct 9, 2006 22:03:52 GMT -5
i really wish i could help you, but i am TERRIBLE at names.
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Post by cree on Oct 10, 2006 9:15:21 GMT -5
Thanks anyway.I thought of something last night but I forgot what it was.
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